Friday night, I took myself out for a beer on my own after a hard day with various things. A bit of me time.

As I stood watching other gay guys single and partnered in the bar I went to enjoy themselves, I couldn’t help but think of the love I lost.

A marriage, to be precise.

I know some think I should be over the end of a relationship by now after so many months apart, but for those who have actually loved another unconditionally – it is pretty hard to forget, and move on.

In fact, what prompted me to post this blog was my waking up from a nightmare about 6.30 this morning about my past love. The subconscious!?

My Fight for Justice against the police has cost me a lot, I know that, and maybe … the one.

Although, my psychologist friend says there is ‘more than one’ of The One!?

I don’t know.

I guess time will tell.

Maybe one day in the future I might meet another soul who I’d still be with now in similar circumstances, but, for the time being I think I’m through with relationships.

Amen, I hear.

Sometimes, I think we need to be on our own.

Although some think I do, I need to love ‘me’ again first before I can another. It makes sense.

I let myself go in a big way, and it upset me – still does.

I was often told, I was fat. Not always out of spite, but it still hurt(s).

I lost all my confidence.

Watching Wentworth Miller’s recent courageous message at the Human Rights Campaign about ‘coming out’ and his struggles, makes me realise that the more of us that are open about our ‘thoughts and feelings’ the less people will care in the future about who’s gay and who’s not – hopefully.

I’ve had three long-term relationships now since I came out at 21, 4 years, 3 years and 5 years. That’s 12 years of being one of two, out of the 14 years of being ‘out’.

A serial monogamist maybe, but, 3/3 ex’s wouldn’t recommend me 😮

Take care x