I just read your letter to me you posted. It is one of the most beautiful things I have read in a long time. You are right that people don’t do snail mail anymore, I can’t remember the last time I wrote such a letter. Writing has become a lost art, so it was exciting to receive such a retro classic from you.
You said you are proud of me for making so much progress on my book. For a long time it’s been my life, and my saviour. I have found solace in writing. It’s been therapeutic. A way for me to engage with others, and express myself. I’ve learnt a lot about the real me over the years. You talk about purpose, which many of us strive for in life. I don’t seek to inspire, that’s never been my goal, but to share what it’s like being me in the modern world and to communicate with others about difference.
Many what ifs and regret go through my mind, but I would like to think I came out better from a bad situation. I fought back knowing it was the more difficult and courageous path, because the alternative wasn’t one for me. I had always felt I lost everything in doing so, but you say I hadn’t. The things I did lose weren’t quite as important as I thought they were. Your words are true.
Only now have I realised that I was disillusioned in my former job, but you’re right – dreams do change, and people change. I can only hope that I can do far more better things for the world as a writer than I ever did policing, so all has not been in vain. Only through writing have I found my voice. One I never had before. I do realise this.
The life I had before was shrouded by naivety, I guess because there were certain things I didn’t want to admit. I will take your advice and strive not to mourn something that wasn’t real, for me anyway. I will try to look back objectively, although I admit I was unhappy.
There are days I feel alone, even though I know I am not. I too know I can’t isolate myself and feel sad when I do. I know the world I find myself existing in when I do isn’t an accurate representation of what it’s really like. I dream that I will find peace in a place that is diverse and progressive. A place where there are like-minded people like me. We found each other by chance, and yes, that’s exactly how it happens.
I had resigned myself to thinking that I’ll never meet someone I’ll mesh perfectly with. I am getting better of not being afraid of meeting people, who care about the same things and aren’t shy about speaking out. I know I have to stop being careful about projecting a certain image. If I care about stuff, then say it. I know it doesn’t make me a radical, even though those who want to silence my voice will say I am. You’re right though, I don’t care what stupid people think. It is their problem.
I pondered on your thought when you said you think I’ll find happiness when I stop trying to be the good guy. You think I’m amazing anyway, but that I don’t need anyone to validate me. It is I who is lucky to know you, and I who feels blessed to have met you. We will be friends forever.
All my love xx
Ps: I will try stop snacking at night, stop eating candy, exercise because it makes me feel good and drink lots of water!